The Legend of Zelda The New Hero of Time
by TheBigFanFics2000
Summary: Tucker, Ivana, Navi and all their crazy Zelda pals are back in another funderful episode of The New Hero of Time! What will happen this time? Betcha a dollar, there isn't enough plot in this story to fix a Jamie kennedy movie! HAHAHA!


The New Hero of Time Episode Seven

Guy: Hooray! It's finally out!

Tucker: Who the hell are you and why are you in my shower?

Navi: You're writing this in the shower?

Tucker: GET OUT DAMN YOU!!!!

Guy: Okay, okay…

The New Hero of Time is brought to you, by the following sponsors:

-Clowns On Crack

-The Midgets Of Norway

-The National Service of Hippie Nut Kickers

-The Canadian Border Patrol

Navi: Um, okay…

Tucker: I love those midgets!

Last time, that total dick, Zant, had completely out-douched himself by shooting Tucker's hot zora girlfriend, Ivana as she tried to save him from a giant pit filled with water while they were fighting Zant. After Zant wussed out and totally wet himself as he ran off while he cried and sucked his thumb and wanted his bottle and needed to change his diaper and-

Navi: Could you finish up please?

Tucker: Alright, fine… Never let's me do anything…

Yeah, well, Zant's a dick, and Ivana was hurt and Tucker was taking her to the great fairy, hoping that she could heal Ivana, because if she couldn't, Tucker had vowed to tear down the entire game to find and kill Zant, which he's probably gonna do anyway…

Zant: WHAT?!?

Tucker: You had it coming…

Zant: Damnit…

Tucker carried Ivana into the fountain and laid her out in the water. Tucker looked around and realized that the great fairy was nowhere to be found.

Tucker: GREAT FAIRY!!!!

After a few seconds of silence, Tucker pulled out the BFG 9000 again and started charging it and turning around frantically.

Tucker: Get out here, damnit!!!

Navi: What are you doing? You know the great fairy will only come out for the royal family.

Tucker: Damnit! If only I'd learned that stupid song!

Navi: What song?

Tucker: Zelda's lullaby… I was supposed to learn it when we went to see Zelda the first time!

Tucker dropped his weapons and knelt down next to Ivana and took her hand in his. Ivana slowly looked up to see Tucker almost crying over her.

Ivana: My beloved hero, what is wrong?

Tucker: I can't get the fairy to come out, I can't heal you…

Ivana: Well, what's wrong with that?

Tucker: Yer gonna die… I don't want you to die…

Ivana: Die? What is this, what is die?

Tucker: You'll cease to live, you'll pass on, you'll be pushing up daisies, you'll be-

Ivana: Hush, as long as you are here with me, I will never leave you…

Tucker: But, I can't take you with me, its too dangerous… And as much as I hate to say it, I can't stay here, I have to go kill THAT SON OF A BITCH, ZANT!!!!!!!

Elsewhere…

Zant: ACHOO!

Ganondorf: Bless you, Zant…

Zant: Thanks bromigo!

Ganondorf: Word!

Zant: What?

Ganondorf: Never mind…

Tucker: Could I continue, please?

Zant: Go for it dude!

Elsewhere again…

Tucker: Okay, now what was I talking about?

Ivana: I can't remember…

Tucker: Oh, I remember, yer dying!

Ivana: Oh, that's right!

Tucker: HAHAHAHA!!!!

Ivana: HAHAHAHA!!!!

Navi: Why are you laughing?

Ivana: Because it's funny that we both forgot that, then remembered it the way we did!

Tucker: Yeah, that is pretty crazy… Now, there has to be some way to save you, and with my immense and giant-

Ivana: Oh, yes let me have it one more time before I die!

Tucker: …Intellect…

Ivana: Oh, right… Sorry, jumped the gun, hee hee…

Tucker: Well, don't you worry baby, I'm sure that there's some item I can get somewhere that will heal you if I go on some stupid, long-ass quest to retrieve it.

Navi: How do you know that?

Tucker: Because I rule, that's why!

Ivana: YAY! Tucker is going to save me!

Tucker: Now, what could save you? Hmm, um… Blue potion?

Ivana: I'm allergic…

Tucker: Red potion?

Ivana: Doesn't go with my skin…

Tucker: Right, color clashing bad… Um, what else is there?

Ivana: I don't know, how about I come with you, so when you find it, you can just give it to me then- Ooh, what did I just say?!

Tucker: HAHAHA!!!

Ivana: Oh, no! I didn't mean it that way!

Tucker: Too late darlin', what's it gonna be, my place or your place?

Ivana: Well, my place is a long way from here…

Tucker: And my place is in another dimension…

Ivana: Hmmm…

Tucker: How about right here?

Ivana: Works for me!

Navi: Ugh… Again?

Twenty minutes later…

Tucker: See, they're getting longer, I am getting stronger! HAHA!! DOUBLE PUN!!!

Ivana: You and yer sex jokes!

Tucker: I love you, you crazy blue fish girl!

Ivana: HAHAHA!!! That tickles!

Navi: Will you knock it off already! MidnaLovesLinkForever shouldn't be made to read this crap like everyone else…

Tucker: Oh please, Navi, she's like the only person who actually reads these things…

Navi: Well, I guess yer right about that…

Ivana: Thanks MidnaLovesLinkForever!!!

Back to the action!

More excitement!

Tucker: GET DOWN!!!

TRIPLE EXCITEMENT!!!

Tucker: GET DOWN AGAIN!!!!!!!

Navi: What are you doing?

Tucker: Having fun with our audience member…

Navi: I'm sure more than one person has read this!

Ivana: I don't know, you'd think more people would comment if they read this.

Zant: Please, dear readers, if you can find the time, drop us all a line about how you think we can improve ourselves…

DING!

Zant: Oh, here's one now! Let's see…

Dear, Zant

You smell like fart soup, go eat a rotten dog bone and hit yourself in the stones. And after yer done with that, give tucker five dollars, because he's a lot cooler than you!

Signed,

Anonymous

Zant: Gee, I wonder who could have written this?

Tucker: I don't know Zant, it's a mystery…

Zant: Well, based on the terrible grammar and the spelling errors and how you mention yourself, makes me think that you wrote this, Tucker. Your writing is attrocious… THERE! LOOK! You even spelled atrocious wrong as I'm saying it, you're terrible!

Tucker: Lies! Lies and slander!

Ivana: Well, it's kind of true isn't it?

Tucker: What?

Ivana: Zant does smell like fart soup…

Zant: What?

Tucker: Haha… She totally got you, Zant, admit it, she totally got you…

Zant: Damnit, I'm out of here…

Tucker: HAHAHAHA!!!! ZANT SMELLS LIKE FART SOUP!!!!

Ivana: HAHAHAHA!!!! HE TOTALLY DOES!!!!

Zant: Where's my agent? This is totally screwed up here!

Tucker: What do you mean?

Zant: It's been three pages since you've mentioned the plot, you're just rambling!

Tucker: Really? (Reads the story…) Damn, I guess yer right, Zant ol' pal, I'll have to get back to the plot as quickly as possible…

Zant: That's right, you should!

Tucker: He wants the plot, should I give it to him folks?

Crowd: YES!!!!

Tucker: You got it, you bunch of crazy dudes, and all you monkeys and you, the giraffe in the third row, TURN OF YER CELL PHONE!!!

Giraffe: Sorry…

Tucker turned around and Zant just stared at him.

Zant: Well?

Tucker smacked Zant in the chest with the handle of the biggoron's sword and then he kicked Zant in the shin. Zant clutched his wounded shin and hopped up and down in pain while cursing like a sailor. Tucker raised his sword up over his head and slashed Zant's wrist.

Zant: OW! You jerk! What the hell was that for?

Tucker: I said I'd get you didn't I? That's the plot…

Zant OWWW!!! Jeez! My leg! And my wrist! And my chest! You are such a butthole! I already regret bringing you here!

DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME PLOT TWIST!!!!!!

Is Zant really the reason why tucker was brought to the world of Zelda in the first place? Why is Zant such a wussy? Will Tucker and Ivana have sex again in this episode? All these questions will be answered….. Right now…

Zant: No, it was some weird science thing, you should go ask a chemist if you want the details…

Tucker: He's a wuss because he has a snake face and he looks like Donald trump, if his skin was white and he had a snake face.

Ivana: Now, come give me some of that nice sex you were talkin' about!

Tucker: Yes, ma'am!

The End…

UNTIL NEXT TIME!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHaHahaha- augh! COUGH! COUGH! HACK! Aw, gross, what the hell did I just spit up? Oh, god, it's looking at me!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!


End file.
